Family Unity/Non-Baha'i Spouse (was: Education of children...)

Alan Alexander-manif (alanam@sage.cc.purdue.edu)
Tue, Nov 8 1994 22:20:22 GMT

I have spent ten years in a marriage with someone who is opposed to the
Baha'i Faith. In accordance with my interpretation of what is meant in
the Writings by the concept that unity in the family is more important
than any particular Baha'i activity, I chose to refrain from teaching
my children anything much about the Baha'i Faith, concentrating just on
trying to teach them right and wrong, and anything else that my wife
and I believed in common. I did my best to avoid any open or direct
conflict with my wife about anything Baha'i, including what to teach
the children.

This avoiding the issue of real agreement in the family lead her not to
trust me, and me not to trust her. It is important for us as Baha'is
to maintain the unity of our families as well as we can. But it seems
to me it is also important not to treat this or any other decision as
unimportant. I have realized that I used my wife's antagonism against
the Faith as an excuse for not having to do anything, or even take a
stand for my religion. She resented, but did not interfere with my
personal practice of religion, but I never made any move to educate the
children or do more than take them to Feast and Holy Days.

I can tell you, folks, that this doesn't work. While it seems to be in
the interest of family unity to avoid pushing the Baha'i Faith, it is
manifestly unfair to one party in the marriage (in this case, me) and
causes anger, resentment, jealousy, and more, which can later lead, as
it is currently leading me, to divorce. If you and your spouse cannot
agree to raise your children as Baha'is, you must keep consulting until
you have reached an agreement that is FULLY ACCEPTABLE TO BOTH OF YOU.
Anything less breeds contempt and loathing, and repressed anger and
resentment that can come out in many ugly ways that wreak all sorts of
havoc with family unity. I'm not advocating subterfuge and secret
Baha'i classes for your children. I'm advocating consultation,
compromise and mutual respect. If you don't demand and receive the
respect that is due to you as an equal partner in your marriage, there
is no real family unity, so what you are protecting is a sham. You
can't put up with it forever, so don't settle for it in the first place.

I understand that each couple and each family is different. This is my
true-life experience, which I think describes a trap that it is easy for
"nice" Baha'is to fall into. Any unilateral action, either to teach the
children the Faith or to avoid teaching the children the Faith seems to
me to be destructive of the ends it supposedly tries to achieve.
--Alan Alexander-Manifold
Lafayette, Indiana USA
alanam@sage.cc.purdue.edu